Failure

The first time I encountered failure was in college. By failure, I don't mean simple mistakes or pratfalls or things that get fixed. Failure is when you encounter a "Do Not Enter" sign on the road of life you had been skipping merrily along. And it's your fault!

I can't remember when I first wanted to be a doctor, maybe when I was 16 or so. I took extra science courses in high school, did an internship at a lab and generally assumed that was where my life was going.

When I got to college, I started on the pre-med track. I started out in bio 118, which was known as a weed out class. Although I studied hard, my test grades weren't showing it. The culminating moment was when after studying very hard for a test, I received a C. Everyone I studied with had gotten A's.

I remember staring at the bright red 76, thinking in the back of my mind "this isn't going to work". Even though I could have gone on with my medical aspirations (and did, for another semester) I knew I was done at that moment. I had failed at becoming a doctor. Now, I can recognize, that although I probably could have been a great doctor, I was not a good pre-med student and I would not be a good med student*.

And that was the beginning of many failures in college. I failed at several different career paths. Failed at many friendships. Romantic relationships. Tests. I didn't fail any classes, but passed a couple by the skin of my teeth.

Every failure was incredibly hard to take. Several  really knocked me down for the count. But after the initial pain of each failure, I spent a lot of time learning from it. I would examine it, try to figure out why I failed and what I either needed to do better next time or stop doing said thing entirely.

And the result of all these failures (along with successes and a fair bit of really good luck) brought me to south africa.

In South Africa, unlike the U.S., failure is a normal part of everyday life. Kids fail classes, the water fails to work, teachers fail to teach, government workers fail to do their jobs properly... And most of the time the people say "shame" and try to work around it.

For me, these last two weeks had been, not a total failure, but definitely rocky. I had been able to sell my gogo groups jewelry. I had a couple girls sessions where I was not an effective teacher. I had several girls come to me with problems, which I tried to help with, but am unsure whether I did the right thing. I tried starting a new project, but got no one to show up to the first meeting. Two peace corps friends of mine went back to america, resigning from service. Even though they both seem happy with their decisions, I felt like I failed them as a friend.

And all these failures knocked me down for a bit. But not for long. For each of these failures I was able to figure out why they happened and what I needed to do differently (vaseline instead of jewelery! Putting more notice about projects! Speaking to school officials oon I also sought out and received a lot of support, both in south africa and the U.S.Because I had learned how to recover from failure, from lots of experience, it was much easier to deal with. And much easier to get past. Now I look at failure as a learning experience. All of those failures that I mentioned I have learned from and am pursuing new strategies.

 As a PCV failure is very common. This will definitely not be the last time I fail. However, I will learn from each failure and be a better PCV!
To readers, my blackberry seems to be incompatible with blogspot which is why my posting schedule has been sporadic. So far I've been emailing posts to my friend John and he has been posting them (thanks john!) But now I plan to write them on my blackberry and use the computers at my shopping town to post entries. My posting schedule will still be erratic, however, it will be more regular.

*Congratulations to my friend Jamie for finishing her first year of Medical School!

Sweating and Not sweating the small stuff

Hello fellow readers!



It's been almost two months at site. The first month was a rollercoaster of crazy different emotions. However, the second month has been pretty great overall. I wake up happy, I spend most of my day smiling and am usually feel like I'm in this scene from 500 days of summer (http://www.youtube.com/)

There has been some major changes between the first and the second month that contribute to this mood shift. I have a set schedule and really enjoy my work with my girls and the gogos. I have gotten closer with my host family and really enjoy spending time with them. I feel more integrated into the community. I have a solid group of other pcvs that live close by that I can hang out with on weekends.

But one of the most helpful things has been a slight attitude change. I try to no longer let the small stuff get to me. If it takes forever to get a khumbi, if the girls won't get quiet in class, if its bone chilling cold...I just try to move past it. And also find the upside. If the khumbi takes forever, it means I get more time to read. If I get harassed by a local man, I get tell my friends a funny story and also add one to the number of marriage proposals I've gotten (having a competition with a few other pcvs to see who can receive the most number of marriage proposals, so far I'm losing by a lot). If the girls won't stop talking, I get to try out new ways to get them to listen. So far quiet coyote has been working pretty well. And if its very cold in the morning, more excuses to drink more coffee and bundle up. And even though its almost winter, South Africa is still pretty warm most of the time.

On the flipside, if something good happens, its major cause for celebration. A funny or heartfelt text from a fellow pcv or friend back in the states can make my day. Hugs from my gogos or girls fill me with warmth. Finding out that granny smith apples were on sale for about 1.5 dollars for 1.5 kg almost made me do a jig in Shoprite. A couple days ago, my kindle suddenly was able to connect to the internet and I can download books again. One of the highlights of my month!

As all this little happy stuff piles up, it makes it easier to keep smiling, even when the tough stuff happens.

Why I don't have a computer

My computer died my first week in south africa. After taking it to the mac store to get it repaired, I found that my warranty would not cover the cost and I would have to pay 5450 rand to get it fixed (about 700 U.S. Dollars, or to put it into perspective, two months salary) I decided to grab some money from my savings account and buy a netbook.

That was almost two months ago and I still haven't bought one.

For a peace corps volunteer, I think I live a pretty cushy life. I have consistent electricity, a tap that has water most of the time and great cell phone service. There is a decent supermarket a half hour away, a great one an hour away and khumbis that come very regularly to take me to those places (including a pizza place). There is a bus that would take me straight to pretoria that comes every two hours, every hour during rush hours. I mean, I'm typing this from my blackberry.

In the U.S., from june to january of 2011-2012, I would watch at least two hours of television, usually on my computer, a day. Many days I would watch more, up to ten hours on weekends. In November, when I was going through tough times, I went through a whole series, at least 50 one hour episodes, in a little over a week.

When I graduated college, I moved from a small town where I could find twenty friends within a hundred yard radius, back to my big city hometown, where besides two people, the only people I was close with were related to me. Lonely and involved in the limbo that was the peace corps application project as well as an anxiety making long distance relationship, I used tv as an escape from real life.

The more I look back on my life, the more I started to see how often I used tv to try to escape. I started watching buffy the vampire slayer during my 7th grade tough period. I remember lots of high school as a series of television marathons with my family, the sopranos, lost, gilmore girls, the west wing, nip/tuck, the wire. In college, when I had my heart broken for the first time, I stayed in bed rewatching Veronica Mars for a week.

I knew the peace corps was going to be hard. It is. Somedays are harder than others. But, for the first time I'm not using television to cope or escape. I take long thinking walks around the village. I talk to friends in america. I try to work on what is bothering me.

If I need a computer, I go up to my shopping town and use the internet cafe. I occasionally catch episodes when I'm with friends, but not that often. When I'm with friends, we are usually too busy doing stuff to watch tv. I can get by for internet mostly by just using my blackberry.

Peace Corps has provided me with many challenges. But in removing one of my main coping methods, I find myself more able to handle them.