Failure

The first time I encountered failure was in college. By failure, I don't mean simple mistakes or pratfalls or things that get fixed. Failure is when you encounter a "Do Not Enter" sign on the road of life you had been skipping merrily along. And it's your fault!

I can't remember when I first wanted to be a doctor, maybe when I was 16 or so. I took extra science courses in high school, did an internship at a lab and generally assumed that was where my life was going.

When I got to college, I started on the pre-med track. I started out in bio 118, which was known as a weed out class. Although I studied hard, my test grades weren't showing it. The culminating moment was when after studying very hard for a test, I received a C. Everyone I studied with had gotten A's.

I remember staring at the bright red 76, thinking in the back of my mind "this isn't going to work". Even though I could have gone on with my medical aspirations (and did, for another semester) I knew I was done at that moment. I had failed at becoming a doctor. Now, I can recognize, that although I probably could have been a great doctor, I was not a good pre-med student and I would not be a good med student*.

And that was the beginning of many failures in college. I failed at several different career paths. Failed at many friendships. Romantic relationships. Tests. I didn't fail any classes, but passed a couple by the skin of my teeth.

Every failure was incredibly hard to take. Several  really knocked me down for the count. But after the initial pain of each failure, I spent a lot of time learning from it. I would examine it, try to figure out why I failed and what I either needed to do better next time or stop doing said thing entirely.

And the result of all these failures (along with successes and a fair bit of really good luck) brought me to south africa.

In South Africa, unlike the U.S., failure is a normal part of everyday life. Kids fail classes, the water fails to work, teachers fail to teach, government workers fail to do their jobs properly... And most of the time the people say "shame" and try to work around it.

For me, these last two weeks had been, not a total failure, but definitely rocky. I had been able to sell my gogo groups jewelry. I had a couple girls sessions where I was not an effective teacher. I had several girls come to me with problems, which I tried to help with, but am unsure whether I did the right thing. I tried starting a new project, but got no one to show up to the first meeting. Two peace corps friends of mine went back to america, resigning from service. Even though they both seem happy with their decisions, I felt like I failed them as a friend.

And all these failures knocked me down for a bit. But not for long. For each of these failures I was able to figure out why they happened and what I needed to do differently (vaseline instead of jewelery! Putting more notice about projects! Speaking to school officials oon I also sought out and received a lot of support, both in south africa and the U.S.Because I had learned how to recover from failure, from lots of experience, it was much easier to deal with. And much easier to get past. Now I look at failure as a learning experience. All of those failures that I mentioned I have learned from and am pursuing new strategies.

 As a PCV failure is very common. This will definitely not be the last time I fail. However, I will learn from each failure and be a better PCV!
To readers, my blackberry seems to be incompatible with blogspot which is why my posting schedule has been sporadic. So far I've been emailing posts to my friend John and he has been posting them (thanks john!) But now I plan to write them on my blackberry and use the computers at my shopping town to post entries. My posting schedule will still be erratic, however, it will be more regular.

*Congratulations to my friend Jamie for finishing her first year of Medical School!