What I do

In bundu, I play many different roles. I am a club leader, I am a friend, I am exercise leader, I am a marketing specialist, I am an HIV educator, I am a daughter, I am an ant killer, I am a teacher, I am a sister, I am a peace corps volunteer. But the role I play most is one of a facilitator.

When I came to Bundu, I was inundated with resources. These resources mostly came in the form of people. The previous volunteer, who I will remain forever grateful to, spent a lot of her time training people, especially middle school girls, in areas of health education and self esteem. I quickly realized what these girls needed was not a teacher. They had that in the previous volunteer. What they needed was a place to teach themselves, to teach others, to have fun. They needed support, acknowledgment that their dreams could come true. I think what they needed was someone who would listen to them and say yes.

So with the help of an incredibly supportive principal, I've started clubs. Before school for an hour, and after school for about an hour and a half, a group of about 25 to 40 girls gather in the library the previous volunteer constructed. In the mornings, we do typical peace corps girls group activities, such as self esteem work, goal setting and sharing troubles. The afternoons are more typical club oriented. We've had math sessions, drama sessions, geography sessions and my personal favorite, library sessions. Sometimes I stand at the board and teach.

But most often, I am a participant, letting the girls run the show. They often are the teachers, the older girls sharing their knowledge with the younger ones. In the morning sessions, a few of the girls that were trained to be peer educators by the previous volunteer do all the teaching. In the afternoon, I teach the academics, but sit down for most of the lessons. I perform crowd control when needed (I taught everyone the quiet coyote signal) and also advise. With my gogos group, it is similar. I lead exercise classes, I help with the beadwork and vaseline work, I do some teaching about health but most of it is run by a very awesome woman.

 I don't do much. I say I'm a facilitator. But what I really am is a believer. I believe in the power of these people. And that belief contributes to them doing great things.

Failure

The first time I encountered failure was in college. By failure, I don't mean simple mistakes or pratfalls or things that get fixed. Failure is when you encounter a "Do Not Enter" sign on the road of life you had been skipping merrily along. And it's your fault!

I can't remember when I first wanted to be a doctor, maybe when I was 16 or so. I took extra science courses in high school, did an internship at a lab and generally assumed that was where my life was going.

When I got to college, I started on the pre-med track. I started out in bio 118, which was known as a weed out class. Although I studied hard, my test grades weren't showing it. The culminating moment was when after studying very hard for a test, I received a C. Everyone I studied with had gotten A's.

I remember staring at the bright red 76, thinking in the back of my mind "this isn't going to work". Even though I could have gone on with my medical aspirations (and did, for another semester) I knew I was done at that moment. I had failed at becoming a doctor. Now, I can recognize, that although I probably could have been a great doctor, I was not a good pre-med student and I would not be a good med student*.

And that was the beginning of many failures in college. I failed at several different career paths. Failed at many friendships. Romantic relationships. Tests. I didn't fail any classes, but passed a couple by the skin of my teeth.

Every failure was incredibly hard to take. Several  really knocked me down for the count. But after the initial pain of each failure, I spent a lot of time learning from it. I would examine it, try to figure out why I failed and what I either needed to do better next time or stop doing said thing entirely.

And the result of all these failures (along with successes and a fair bit of really good luck) brought me to south africa.

In South Africa, unlike the U.S., failure is a normal part of everyday life. Kids fail classes, the water fails to work, teachers fail to teach, government workers fail to do their jobs properly... And most of the time the people say "shame" and try to work around it.

For me, these last two weeks had been, not a total failure, but definitely rocky. I had been able to sell my gogo groups jewelry. I had a couple girls sessions where I was not an effective teacher. I had several girls come to me with problems, which I tried to help with, but am unsure whether I did the right thing. I tried starting a new project, but got no one to show up to the first meeting. Two peace corps friends of mine went back to america, resigning from service. Even though they both seem happy with their decisions, I felt like I failed them as a friend.

And all these failures knocked me down for a bit. But not for long. For each of these failures I was able to figure out why they happened and what I needed to do differently (vaseline instead of jewelery! Putting more notice about projects! Speaking to school officials oon I also sought out and received a lot of support, both in south africa and the U.S.Because I had learned how to recover from failure, from lots of experience, it was much easier to deal with. And much easier to get past. Now I look at failure as a learning experience. All of those failures that I mentioned I have learned from and am pursuing new strategies.

 As a PCV failure is very common. This will definitely not be the last time I fail. However, I will learn from each failure and be a better PCV!
To readers, my blackberry seems to be incompatible with blogspot which is why my posting schedule has been sporadic. So far I've been emailing posts to my friend John and he has been posting them (thanks john!) But now I plan to write them on my blackberry and use the computers at my shopping town to post entries. My posting schedule will still be erratic, however, it will be more regular.

*Congratulations to my friend Jamie for finishing her first year of Medical School!

Sweating and Not sweating the small stuff

Hello fellow readers!



It's been almost two months at site. The first month was a rollercoaster of crazy different emotions. However, the second month has been pretty great overall. I wake up happy, I spend most of my day smiling and am usually feel like I'm in this scene from 500 days of summer (http://www.youtube.com/)

There has been some major changes between the first and the second month that contribute to this mood shift. I have a set schedule and really enjoy my work with my girls and the gogos. I have gotten closer with my host family and really enjoy spending time with them. I feel more integrated into the community. I have a solid group of other pcvs that live close by that I can hang out with on weekends.

But one of the most helpful things has been a slight attitude change. I try to no longer let the small stuff get to me. If it takes forever to get a khumbi, if the girls won't get quiet in class, if its bone chilling cold...I just try to move past it. And also find the upside. If the khumbi takes forever, it means I get more time to read. If I get harassed by a local man, I get tell my friends a funny story and also add one to the number of marriage proposals I've gotten (having a competition with a few other pcvs to see who can receive the most number of marriage proposals, so far I'm losing by a lot). If the girls won't stop talking, I get to try out new ways to get them to listen. So far quiet coyote has been working pretty well. And if its very cold in the morning, more excuses to drink more coffee and bundle up. And even though its almost winter, South Africa is still pretty warm most of the time.

On the flipside, if something good happens, its major cause for celebration. A funny or heartfelt text from a fellow pcv or friend back in the states can make my day. Hugs from my gogos or girls fill me with warmth. Finding out that granny smith apples were on sale for about 1.5 dollars for 1.5 kg almost made me do a jig in Shoprite. A couple days ago, my kindle suddenly was able to connect to the internet and I can download books again. One of the highlights of my month!

As all this little happy stuff piles up, it makes it easier to keep smiling, even when the tough stuff happens.

Why I don't have a computer

My computer died my first week in south africa. After taking it to the mac store to get it repaired, I found that my warranty would not cover the cost and I would have to pay 5450 rand to get it fixed (about 700 U.S. Dollars, or to put it into perspective, two months salary) I decided to grab some money from my savings account and buy a netbook.

That was almost two months ago and I still haven't bought one.

For a peace corps volunteer, I think I live a pretty cushy life. I have consistent electricity, a tap that has water most of the time and great cell phone service. There is a decent supermarket a half hour away, a great one an hour away and khumbis that come very regularly to take me to those places (including a pizza place). There is a bus that would take me straight to pretoria that comes every two hours, every hour during rush hours. I mean, I'm typing this from my blackberry.

In the U.S., from june to january of 2011-2012, I would watch at least two hours of television, usually on my computer, a day. Many days I would watch more, up to ten hours on weekends. In November, when I was going through tough times, I went through a whole series, at least 50 one hour episodes, in a little over a week.

When I graduated college, I moved from a small town where I could find twenty friends within a hundred yard radius, back to my big city hometown, where besides two people, the only people I was close with were related to me. Lonely and involved in the limbo that was the peace corps application project as well as an anxiety making long distance relationship, I used tv as an escape from real life.

The more I look back on my life, the more I started to see how often I used tv to try to escape. I started watching buffy the vampire slayer during my 7th grade tough period. I remember lots of high school as a series of television marathons with my family, the sopranos, lost, gilmore girls, the west wing, nip/tuck, the wire. In college, when I had my heart broken for the first time, I stayed in bed rewatching Veronica Mars for a week.

I knew the peace corps was going to be hard. It is. Somedays are harder than others. But, for the first time I'm not using television to cope or escape. I take long thinking walks around the village. I talk to friends in america. I try to work on what is bothering me.

If I need a computer, I go up to my shopping town and use the internet cafe. I occasionally catch episodes when I'm with friends, but not that often. When I'm with friends, we are usually too busy doing stuff to watch tv. I can get by for internet mostly by just using my blackberry.

Peace Corps has provided me with many challenges. But in removing one of my main coping methods, I find myself more able to handle them.

Yesterday, two khumbi rides and an hour and a half later, I arrived in my friend alyssa"s shopping town with my jaw dropped in shock.

My shopping town is a plaza with about 20 or 30 stores, including a pizza place, a grocery store, and several clothing and furniture stores. It has almost everything I could need. But not much else.

Alyssa's shopping town, was an actual city. Many streets filled with different restaurants, shops...there was even a library! Even more weirdly, there were white people there!

We ended up meeting with two education volunteers at spur, a native american themed restaurant. A native american themed restaurant... in south africa. Cacti, both painted and real, covered the walls, american music and television were playing and the menu could fit right in at a chain restaurant at home. Sitting with three other americans in the restaurant, as I ate cheese quesadillas and watched espn, it didn't feel like I had left home.

However, my real moment of culture shock came as we left the restaurant and went to the supermarket. Again, it felt like we hadn't left the U.S. I stared open mouthed at the twelve different varieties of feta cheese, the fruits and vegetables that you could buy pre sliced for some extra rand, the rack of magazines that went across the store. "Who needs all that choice?" I wondered.

But I was happy to pick up some soy sauce and pasta sauce. I contemplated buying some other stuff, like slivered almonds and tahini, but after consulting my budget I stuck mostly to the basics.

I also wondered if this made a huge difference in alyssa's and my services. But after talking to her, it didn't seem that way. She lives in a village similar to mine, working at a home based care, with a similar family structure. The only difference was that she had more choice in her shopping town.

I found a shortcut which made the return trip only about 45 minutes. I arrived home the same way I usually feel after a trip, tired, overstimulated and very very happy to be home in bundu.

I like my small town life here in south africa. But it was very nice to learn that a sliver of america exists pretty close by

For my primary assignment in south africa, I, like all other CHOP volunteers, was assigned to an organization. During training, we were told numerous times that our orgs would probably be low functioning, that they might see us as their "savior" and expect us to do everything, that they might have very little in the way of organizational structure and policy. I thus mentally prepared myself to be assigned to a low functioning organization that could use my help.

However I was assigned to a high functioning, well run organization... that seemed to neither want nor need my help.

For the first two weeks, I think I spent one or maybe two useful minutes there. I spent most of the time crouched between two file cabinets, trying to stay out of the way. I was told by my supervisor that I shouldn't ask questions to anyone but he, because my curiosity would be seen as negativity towards the organization. I was not allowed to look at any documents or talk to any clients. The only thing I could do was observe the waiting room. All of my offers for help were refused.

Let me say, that this clinic is very well run, highly functioning and a great resource for the community. The staff seem incredibly good at their jobs and extremely busy with their work. It is a great place.

Just not one that wanted or needed me.

Last Tuesday, after two weeks of sitting, trying to help and always being refused, I went to my supervisors there in tears. My supervisors were sympathetic. They are two wonderful people who have really helped me a lot They understood why I was so upset, however their busyness and the political structure of the clinic prevented them from being much help to me inside the walls of the clinic. So they suggested I do work outside the clinic, doing an assessment of Bundu. I spent the next week doing that.

And it was the best four days I have spent as a pcv. During my walking around, I found that the last volunteer here had left a lot of secondary projects that could use my help. So I spent this week following up on them.

I led an exercise class for a group of gogos and strategized with them on how to sell their beautiful beadwork. I saw a community garden being deweeded and learned about plans to increase food security among bundu. I met with the ward counselor and heard about the need for youth to have something to do after school. I found all the members of the last volunteer's girls group and planned an introductory meeting. I learned about a library that had been started in the junior high school and scheduled a meeting with the teacher in charge.

The most common thing I heard from the people I talked to was "We've been waiting for you"

I met with my supervisor on friday and made a plan to continue this work and community assessment until IST, also known as the end of June. While exciting, it is incredibly scary. The only structure I have during the week is what I create myself. My supervision is very minimal. It will be a challenge for me. I'm going to need a lot of courage, drive, initiative and maybe most importantly, I'm going to need to ask for a lot of help.

But I think this will work out fantastically.

"I would often fantasize that maybe someday I could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things"

Two weeks ago, I accidentally poured boiling water on to my hand. It led to a pretty decent first or second degree burn that I now show off proudly. However, it didn't need to have happened.

After I burned myself, I was too afraid of inconveniencing my host family, that I didn't ask for the help I needed, this time, access to cold water. Instead, I spent much of time afterwards trying to convince them I was fine, while trying to find cold water...without them realizing that I was in pain.

To say that was completely idiotic would be putting it lightly. And now I've got a scar to remind me of it.

I've always had a problem with asking for help. This hasn't manifested itself as much when I was in the US, because I knew how to do most of the things I wanted/needed to do. In south africa, everything is completely new.

And instead of asking for help...I've tried to act like a stoic badass. And it usually hasn't worked that well. Besides burning my hand, I've gotten incredibly lost on the streets of pretoria, really messed up doing my laundry, gotten sick in several cars, got caught in a thunderstorm... And that's just off the top of my head.

But I can see right now, if I continue this, I can't be a good peace corps volunteer. I need to ask for help from my counterparts, from my host family, from peace corps, from my friends, from the clinic, from bundu. And truth, that almost paralyzes me. I am incredibly scared. Maybe of rejection, maybe because I fear people thinking less of me, of failure.

But in order to get where I want to go, in order to be a good peace corps volunteer, in order to be the person I want to be, I got to face my fear and do it anyway.

Time for the 80's pump up music!